So as the school year is coming to a close, I felt the need to write what I truly feel about the whole ordeal of it all.
Overall, college has been a wonderful experience thus far. I have made many friends and have learned many things, not only in the classroom but outside of it as well. However, I have discovered that maybe an ASL major is not for me.
I feel as if there is a lack of motivation in those courses. Which is not good, especially if I wish to major in ASL. I have to keep my grades up in those classes, and that has been a struggle this year for me. I want to do good, I don't want to dishonor my background. I feel as if I'm a disgrace to my Deaf church if I don't succeed in ASL. Like somehow...I failed them.
This year has been a rough year for me. I love Gardner-Webb. It is a great college. But I wonder if what I'm doing, is because I feel that it is expected of me, and not what I truly want to do. But then I get into the mindset of...are my desires what God desires for me?
I want to do his will, not my wants, he is supposed to have priority in my life. I know I should be doing God's will, but I have no idea what that "will" for me is. I have grown up "hearing," that God may not talk directly to us, but he can show his will through other people, our life experiences, the bible...but sometimes I wish he would just talk to me, even signing would be fine. A bit more direct conversation would be greatly appreciated.
hum...well...I don't plan on giving up on Gardner-Webb just yet. I'm just trying not to give up on the idea of college altogether. I hope y'all are having a great time in Ky and hopefully your thoughts are not as half as contemplative as mine.
Joni
3 comments:
No you didn't fail us. Matter of fact, you improved your signing so much it's wonderful to watch you sign. As for God's will, HE takes his hime to tell us. In the meantime experience life by either going back to college or taking some time off to explore what you love. Once you find what you love either find a way to get paid for it or do it volunterily.
As for college ending, I hope it was wonderful and that you learned sooo much. I know that going back (no matter where) will be wonderful as well. Proud of ya!!!
Don't you ever, ever, EVER think you failed us, girl! Just for that I'm giving you an earful and and eyeful when you get home.
There is no shame in trying and failing, if you discover what you tried is not what the Lord has planned for you. The only way you could ever "fail" us is to resist the leading of the Holy Spirit as he works in you to bring about God's will.
You are asking the same questions I did when I struggled with the call to ministry. "Are my desires what God desires for me? Am I doing what I want to do, or what I think is expected of me?" Those questions are the exact questions you need to be asking. They are the right questions to be asking. And you ought to be getting all contemplative and philosophical about this stuff -- sometimes it is the way God gets your mind in line with His.
Just remember to always check your thoughts against Scripture and to pray always about these things. I will have a short but deep book waiting for you on this very subject when you get home.
We love you and miss you terribly, and we pray for you every day!
Thanks for the comments, they mean a lot to me. I should be back in Ky sometime Sunday...yea! So I guess I'll have those talks soon...
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